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Well this sucks..

Hey guys, haven't been on in awhile. I haven't really been on, and I have no excuse. Just... didn't feel like posting I guess. Things are doing alright. My toe is better, gramma is out of the hospital, I think I have a boyfriend, and my friends are all happy with me. Now all thats wrong is family issues and my stomach cramps are coming back. Nothing really exciting happened, other than I went and saw a movie with the guy I think might be my boyfriend. We saw Year One. It was funny, I liked it. Some of it kind of grossed me out though.
Sorry I'm so boring, haven't slept in 3 days and 2 night XD

Bad News..

It's been a couple days, though I haven't really been busy. I have no excuse v.v
Gramma's still in the hospital, but she should be coming home soon. I'm a little nervous cuz I haven't been feeling well lately so the house isn't as clean as it could be, but I tried.
On thursday at around 6:30pm I got a piece of toothpick stuck pretty deep in my big toe. It hurt like a bitch!! I spent the rest of that night trying to get it out. I had no idea it was a few centimeters long and it went straight down in my toe. It looked small from what I saw of it at first, but I couldn't understand why it was swelling so bad. So I got talked into going into urgent care to get it removed. While I was there I got tested to see if I'm pregnant or not, and the results were negative. I mean, I was relieved that I didn't mess up my life again, but it also made me sooooooo sad. I had already gotten attached to the idea of my baby..
It felt like I was so close to something wonderful and then had it ripped away from me..
Anyways, (after three shots of this weird numbing stuff) the doctor got it out. He put it in a little container for me to take home as a little reminder. It was kind of funny, but I kept it anyways. I even kept the retarded little wristband they put on me.
I'm still a little hopeful about the pregnancy though. It's too early to tell if I am or not, so I decided to take a home pregnancy test in around 3 to 5 weeks to make sure.
xXx
Jess

Home Alone??

Well, I just found out that my grandmother is in the hospital. She left early this morning without telling me or having anyone else tell me. I woke up in the house alone. Not only did she do that, but she banned me from having anyone over. I'm 18 years old. What the FUCK am I gonna do with ONE of my BEST FRIENDS over? Nothing, thats what. I'm a pretty responsible person when it comes to this house. She KNOWS I'm afraid to be here alone, especially at night. The dogs bark at everything too, which freaks me out even more. I'm not going to be able to sleep at ALL tonight. I fucking HATE that woman. I hope something happens at the hospital so she'll know exactly how I feel right now. She's always treated me with disrespect, and she's always made me feel like shit. No, worse than shit, like the shit that comes from the birds who eat the bugs that EAT the fucking shit.
xXx
Jess

Writer's Block: Place of Residence

Describe your dream house (even if it's not a house).
My dream house is simple. It would sit on about 60 acres of forest and beautiful green grass. It would either have a small pond or a little stream running through it. The house is small, only a two or three bedroom cottage. It would be built from a lovely grey stone and only have the ground floor. The door would be made of wood, oak maybe. When you entered, it would smell of rain with a slight hint of cinnamin and apples. The entry way would have tiled floors, along with the two bathrooms, the kitchen, the hallway, and the dining area. The family room and the bedrooms all would have carpet. In the living room there would be a small couch with little throw pillows, and a few chairs, maybe recliners. There would be a small table with a little lamp on it for light. Candles would be spread all throughout the house. The kitchen would be simple, but a little larger than normal (I love too cook, so I need a big kitchen). There might even be an island counter in it, but maybe not, fancy isn't really my style. The dining room table would be big enough to seat 6 people comfortably, in case I had friends or family over. In my room, the master bedroom, there would be a big california king. The entire room would be done in dark shades of purple, blue, and black. There would be many pillows on the bed, and maybe even a few chairs scattered around the room, or maybe just big pillows to sit on. In the bathroom, there would be a big sunk-in shower. A garden bathtub or a jacuzzi bathtub woud be set across from the shower, surrounded by three huge windows overlooking the stream and the trees. In the back yard, there would be a big porch with chairs sitting all around to enjoy the beautiful scenery.
Sounds a little corny, but that would be my dream house.

Writer's Block: Call Me

Do you still use a landline at home, or do you rely completely on your cell phone?
Well, at my house, we do have a landline. My grandma uses that one mostly, but I use it occasionally when I don't have any minutes left on my phone. But I mostly rely on my cell. It's easier and more convenient to use.

*sigh*

Well, I found out that I don't have a doctors apt scheduled for this week like I thought I did. Is't it great how friends lie to you all the time? I mean, strangers lie too, but friends are what you have for the extreme lies that the strangers won't try on you because you'll kick their ass. But friends? No, you can' kick your friends' asses, you just have to smile and pretend it's nothing.
See, I have a gay best friend. We've been friends for about 5 or 6 years. I really love that kid, I do, but sometimes he annoys the living hell out of me. I mean, last night I was at one of my friends' houses and we were talking and watching a movie and generally having fun. Well I get a call from Dare's sister (dare is the gay friend) at around 12:30 in the morning, so of course I answer thinking its an emergency. Why the hell else would she be calling me that late?! So I answer and she asks me if Dare is with me or if I knew where he was. I told her he wasn't with me and I had no idea where he was, I though he was at his place, but apperently not. Another lie.
Anyways, she asks me to find him and tell him that her anal beads are missing along with a few other of her "toys" and that he owes her $75 because it's his fault. Now, I'm not one to snoop into other peoples business, but I knew for a fact Dare didn't ever even go CLOSE to his sisters sex toys. But of course, who am I to know anything? Of course I'm too stupid to know anything, and of course she won't listen.
So, I call around until I find Dare, but they won't answer the phone, so I live a message telling him to call me back please. (Oh, and earlier that night I got a call from one of his friends, she was crying hyserically looking for him) So ten minutes pass, still no call. I decide to text him and ask him to call. About five minutes later he calls me up annoyed because I was "ruining his fun" at some stupid party he was at. It was an all girl party. How the hell am I ruining his fun?!
Well, I tell him to call his sister about the money and stuff. He starts yelling at me telling me its my fault and shit. Of course it my fault. I mean, of course I told his sister he stole her anal beads. What the fuck?! Well, after about three minutes of yelling I cut him off and ask him not to bother me anymore that night since I was at a guys house and I wasn't sure if anything was going to happen or not. And I was drinking, so obviously, I don't want to be bothered about his sisters fucking sex toys!!
Well, that pissed him off. So he yelled and told me "You know what? You don't bother ME anymore tonight!" He was about to say something else but I hung up. It totally ruined my night.
I thought friends were supposed to help you have a good time, not lie and yell at you. But whatever. I was wrong.
xXx
Jess

Smoking and Razorblades


Hey everyone, I'm having more issues again today. How typical XD
You see, I'm a smoker. I've been smoking cigarettes for abut 2 years now, which I guess isn't that long. I started smoking because it helped me stop cutting. The nicotine helps calm my nerves and level out my emotions. But, unfortunately, I ran out of cigarettes last night. It's only been about 10 hours and I'm already going out of my mind without one. Now my urges to cut are getting worse. My mind has been going a little evil on my and it likes to torture me with all kinds of horrible images. Like just this morning when I woke up. I had an itch on a scab on my arm, so I closed my eyes and started scratching it like I would any other itch. But this time, my mind wandered while I was scratching and it showed me these horrible images of me scratching all the skin off my arms and my flesh rotting. Just thinking about it makes me sick.
So, I'm totally desperate for a cigarette v.v
xXx
Jess

Oops..

Hey everyone, I'm new to this site, but I wanted to try it out. First things first, I will be posting bits and pieces of my writing every now and then, also feel free to request certain things (like extra scenes from a certain story you like).
Now, on to the real oops.
I just recently lost my virginity (sorry if this is tmi) to my boyfriend. The next day he broke up with me. I was really upset because I totally loved that man and he abandoned me. I have been raped twice, so it's a little hard for me to trust guys at first, and giving him my virginity after that meant a LOT to me. Anyways, after the breakup I went a little psycho.. I was drinking a lot and I had a new guy every night for about a week and a half. Now I think I might be pregnant and I'm a little scared. I have a doctors apt sometime this week, so I'll post an update on this as soon as I know.
I mean, I know I really messed up. I lost my best friend and sister over this and I know if I am pregnant my family will abandon me. I'm so scared because I won't know who the father is and I promised myself I'd never end up in this situation. But here I am v.v
xXx
Jess